Monday, January 30, 2006

the long slippery slope...

so saturday was my half birthday. why is this important you might ask? if you haven't experienced the kate/deb family tradition of celebrating half birthdays, you have definitely missed out. our birthdays are in the summer so when we were kids, we would miss out on the whole bring-cupcakes-to-school-on-your-birthday thing. so our mothers started celebrating our half birthdays (jan. 28 and feb.2) nothing fancy, cupcakes for school, maybe went out to dinner or got ice cream. anyway it was always a great thing that of course carried into adulthood. our boyfriends/husband's/kids all got to benefit from it.

well this year in july i will be turning 30 much to my chagrin. i never thought that i would be the one to really have a problem with this birthday. but i do. i don't feel like i'm in a place in my life that i wanted to be in when i pictured the big 3-0. i have mega debt, i don't own a house, jason and i haven't gotten married yet because we can't afford a wedding and i don't have kids yet.

when i turned 20 there was a big sense of "thank god that's over with". but with 30 all i can think about is that i'm running out of time or that i'm behind schedule. when i was growing up, i always had the "old" parents. they were older than everyone else's parents and never wanted to go camping or to concerts or to the beach or even sit on the floor. i swore that i would have my kids early (not too early) but that i would still want to have fun and not be old. i know that even as i write this i can see it is totally silly. that voice in my head that tells everyone else who has issues that "you are being ridiculous" is saying the same thing to me. but it doesn't help. i also realize that you are only as young as you feel and all the other warm happy stuff that greeting card companies tell you, but that doesn't seem to fix it.

so one minute after midnight on the 29th of jan., i realized that i am now closer to 30 than i am 29 and it terrifies me.

3 comments:

Ann said...

You can't look at your life that way. Look at everything you have accomplished. When I was younger I thought my life would be much different than it is now. But I am happy where I am. I have no house or kids--and I am OK with both. We can never buy a house while we are here. And I am starting to think that traveling around the world is better than having rugrats. 30 is young my dear. And I should know--I was the one who had a jumping castle for her 30th. :)

Erica Kern O'Neill said...

Ann is right, but my feelies flow more along Kate's river. Thirty-two, my current age, feels so old. Age never used to bother me. I would laugh at Leah when she freaked out about turning 21 or 25. Now she is comfortable with her age and I'm freaked out! I agree with Kate; I thought my life would be different. I guess I should be happy that I do have a house, and a decent paying job and live with a man I love (who has a great dog) but sometimes it feels like it isn't enough. I don't know what would be enough but sometimes I wonder. I guess I need to find that "enough" in me...no person, job or environment will fulfill it. Now that I'm depressed...

Kate, if you were here I would suggest getting drunk. That is something I never, ever do but the thought of drinking with you and lamenting about our lives sounds like it could be fun. :)

kate said...

thanks guys. i know this is a phase. everytime i get into this funk i wonder if i would feel this way if my mother was still alive. i never want to be the person who always blame something tragic that happened to me as the root of my problems. but who knows? it will be two years on friday that she died. that boggles my mind since it seems like so much longer. i always have to count back in my mind to remember how long it has been. sorry to rope everyone into my saddness. i so wish i could take Erica up on her offer right now. but sex and the city is starting on tbs so i will pour some wine and feel like you guys are here anyway.

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