Guilt and its many forms

So today I finally made it to the gym. I've been kind of letting my dad believe that I have these important errands I have to run which means he has to stay at the care home. I know I need to do things for myself like go to the gym or out to coffee with a friend just for my own sanity. But that doesn't mean I don't have guilt. I was talking to my friend the other day who has two kids. I told her that at least she and her husband have jobs that they HAVE to go to so the kids have to go to daycare. But I could be at the house and sometimes am at the house when he is stuck over at the care home. I don't really tell him I come back here to work on the computer or make calls since in theory he could be here while I'm doing it. But it isn't that simple. Just like those who work from home can't get crap done when their kids are around. Something else always needs your attention. So far he actually seems ok to leave alone for a little bit. I went to the grocery store on Sat. for an hour and a half. I made him promise me that he would not get out of the bed. He sits on the side of the bed and uses a urinal so the whole bathroom thing is less of an issue. I leave the phone with him with my number printed in big numbers, the newspaper, his walkman and the remote. But the whole time I'm gone, I'm worried about whether he has gotten up or not.

My friend and I decided though that taking care of kids is way easier than taking care of someone who used to be a functioning adult. If one of her kids does something they aren't supposed to, she can just send them to their room or ground them. I can't do much about it if Dad refuses to do something. I will say the one liberating thing about my new role as caregiver is that the stupid shit he always wanted me to do as a kid I don't have to do anymore. For example, he always wanted me to put all the things that needed to go on the table for dinner onto this tray. I hated the tray. It was heavy and things had a tendency to teeter off it and I just didn't like it. We used to go 8 rounds all the time over this dumb tray. But early this week I was setting the table and he said you know it would be much more efficient if you used the tray. I replied that I was 30 years old, on verge of getting married, a professional photographer and now 24 hour caregiver, and if I didn't want to use the damn tray there was nothing he could do about it. So there. It was nice. :O)